It's Always Easier To Say That People Love You and That Everything Will Be OK...
Sometimes I wish I was 5-years-old again. Carefree. Simply taking in nature and not worrying about anything besides the sun being out. Sometimes I'll be driving and get an image of some beautiful local scenery, usually during the current season, -- postcard quality stuff -- and I can't help but wish I was there once again with nothing to worry about, simply soaking it all in. And just as soon as these thoughts enter, they leave again. I realize I'm in the same spot, and it's totally different, and I don't like it. Not at all.
Sometimes I think about old friendships and whatever happened to them. Sometimes I miss them, but most of the time I don't. That's probably the one thing I don't miss too much about the past. Just looking at some of the people I used to hang out with, it's a wonder that I turned out the way I did.
Sometimes I wonder what things would be like now if I never even existed or if I grew up somewhere else. Y'know, if I've even affected anyone at all. It's a strange thing to think about.
"Freedom" is nothing but a word. Everyone always says, "You'll have more freedom when you're older," but now that I am older, I believe -- know -- that is an outright lie. The older you get, the more entangled you become in arbitrary things. I felt more free when I was 5-years-old that I do now at age 17. We're trapped. We're lost. We're so far from home. Life is too short to take the small things for granted. Step outside and look around for a minute. Take a walk through your yard. Go sit under a tree. Something. Anything to break the monotony of your daily cycle. Unless you're totally satisfied with everything. Then nevermind.
I'm sorry. I dunno why I typed all this up. And sorry if I've seemed kind of distant in the past couple months. Things have been really weird lately. I don't really feel like getting into it all here, but yea. Sorry.
Sometimes I think about old friendships and whatever happened to them. Sometimes I miss them, but most of the time I don't. That's probably the one thing I don't miss too much about the past. Just looking at some of the people I used to hang out with, it's a wonder that I turned out the way I did.
Sometimes I wonder what things would be like now if I never even existed or if I grew up somewhere else. Y'know, if I've even affected anyone at all. It's a strange thing to think about.
"Freedom" is nothing but a word. Everyone always says, "You'll have more freedom when you're older," but now that I am older, I believe -- know -- that is an outright lie. The older you get, the more entangled you become in arbitrary things. I felt more free when I was 5-years-old that I do now at age 17. We're trapped. We're lost. We're so far from home. Life is too short to take the small things for granted. Step outside and look around for a minute. Take a walk through your yard. Go sit under a tree. Something. Anything to break the monotony of your daily cycle. Unless you're totally satisfied with everything. Then nevermind.
I'm sorry. I dunno why I typed all this up. And sorry if I've seemed kind of distant in the past couple months. Things have been really weird lately. I don't really feel like getting into it all here, but yea. Sorry.
posted by Dakota Floyd at 8:54 PM
3 Comments:
actually, i found this post quite interesting. i do the same thing when i notice the scenery, only i really don't wish i was five years old again. i feel like standing in the mist forever, looking up at blue mountains tinged with purple from the kiss of the dying sun...poetic, sorta, but those thoughts fly through my mind. my reality throw-back, though, is that i never have any paper stuffed in my pocket and then i remember, "oh yeah. life's here and if i stand in one place too long, i'll get a leg cramp."
Your post makes a lot of sense, Dakota. I know exactly how you feel--you know, that "i don't know how I feel, exactly" feeling. If that makes sense. Heck, I'm almost 30 and I still get those insensible, crazy, "I-don't-know-what's-going-on-in-my-life" moments. Almost like I'm supposed to be waiting for something bigger to happen. And you're right, with age comes more responsibility. Amazingly though, for me, I view that responsibility as bringing more--gasp!--freedom. A bad word, I know, but really, we all have the choice--the freedom, if you will-- to either hit that responsibility head on or ignore it all together. I choose to bear too many responsibilities, but in the end it all makes me feel a sense of accomplishment, like I have gotten there with God's help. Oh, and here's a poem from one of my previous blogs that seemed to make sense for this thought pattern you've got goin' on here:
So much of adolescence is an ill-defined dying,
An intolerable waiting,
A longing for another place and time,
Another condition.
--Theodore Roethke, “I'm Here"
SO TRUE.
When your five other people control you, when you get older you start controlling yourself and there is no worse taskmaster with higher expectations and more criticisms than the person you see in the mirror.
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